I am my own worst critic. Behind my positivity and confidence, there is a voice that subtly suggests from time to time that I am not doing enough, that anything I do will never be enough. This voice comes and goes, usually taking advantage of when I am feeling like I am not contributing or working towards one of my goals. It is an ongoing battle, one that I will certainly fight again. To aid my efforts in my next battles, I have decided to write exactly how I feel, what usually makes me feel this this way, and what helps me get over feeling that way. I’ve shared a lot in Going The Distance, my failures, my dreams, and some of who I am. However, I don’t feel like I’ve ever been as honest as this and may not ever be again. I am hesitant to share this as it is a part of who I am. Sharing this makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, as if I have dropped my guard and opened myself up to judgement. I believe only a small group of people have seen this side of me so you could imagine my reluctancy to be this honest. At the same time, I am determined to try to be a person who can motivate and help others. I often wonder how people view themselves and if they feel the same way as I do. This curiosity is stronger than any fear of judgement I may have so I shall carry on writing this before I change my mind.
Around April 2022, I was incredibly anxious which felt like a huge weight on my shoulders. This wasn’t the first time I felt this and usually coincided when things were stressful at work or school. I am proud to say I work in the construction industry, which I genuinely believe is my calling. I love the pace and intensity, driven by getting things done. However, it has its high and low moments when it comes to ones mental health. The project that I was working on was at its peak and I kept feeling like I was in one battle after another. Despite having a great and supportive team, it’s very difficult not to get bogged down by these moments and feel like everything is riding on you. While this was certainly not the case, my passion and care for the project got a bit out of hand where it got me feeling I wasn’t doing enough to help. I have gotten better at managing the stress from work and separating my work from personal life through my young career. However, there are times when I bring my overwhelming stress home with me, causing me to be anxious and affecting my sleep. The most stressful times are often the best learning opportunities, for which I am always grateful to have had experienced. While the stress from work will never go away and I will continue to rise to the occasion, I just wished I wouldn’t be so hard on myself. I have this excellent ability to be my biggest critic, leading to anxiety despite being in positive environments. No matter what I achieve, the voice in my head always pushes the goal posts further, raising expectations for myself rather than acknowledging what I had just accomplished. While these high expectations have helped me throughout my journey, it has also made my pursuits more difficult than they probably needed to be. It was in this reflection that I decided I needed some help. I needed an explanation to why I felt this way and how I could overcome it the next time. This is when I decided to seek out a professional.
Through all the times I’ve felt this anxiety, I always dealt with it by pushing through until it passed. This method always works; however, it takes too long, and the feeling always comes back just the same. While I didn’t expect that counselling would solve any issue, I figured it would be worth a shot to try something different. Instead of confiding in just friends or family who would always be there for me, an outside opinion may offer a new perspective. In my first session I was telling my counsellor a bit about myself and what I hoped to get out of counselling. The two main things I wanted to tackle were how to reduce my anxiety caused from stress at work and how to not be so hard on myself. Getting to the first point, I told my counsellor about the types of things that stressed me out at work. Funny enough, I came to realize that most of them were out of my control. While I have control over my responsibilities, there comes a point where planning and coordination is over, and it is up to someone else to review, takeover, or execute. My counsellor determined that I am a perfectionist. I never really considered that until I was told, but the more I thought about it the more sense it made. I guess the early signs of this were in my children where I searched for long periods of time to find just the right Lego piece I needed instead of using a piece that could work but wasn’t exactly right. I needed to learn to give up some control and trust that my efforts would produce a successful result.
Author
PATRICK SMYTHE
Project Manager
Civil Engineer
Motivated
Storyteller
Big Time Dreamer
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To the second point, I described to my counselor some of my goals and interests. Included in this list was my dream to complete this website, to keep up with reading, to exercise, and to continue to progress in my career. While describing this, I told him how tough I am on myself and how I don’t often give myself credit for what I achieve. My counsellor observed that I said the word “should” countless times and discussed why that was a problematic word for me. I subconsciously set such strict rules on myself that instead of enjoying my hobbies, they introduce anxiety. I needed a healthier mentality when working towards my goals, otherwise I would just become an anxious mess that wouldn’t make any progress. My counsellor reminded me that often our successes are more about the journey rather than the destination. It seems so obvious when someone else says it, but why is it so tough to acknowledge in the moment. This was exactly what I needed to hear. In one exercise of reflection, I looked back on my time at Langara and how it was one of the best years of my life because I made such a significant step. It wasn’t just succeeding at Langara and moving onto UBC that made it the best year, it was all the hardships, failures, and struggle that I overcame along the way. Just like the Ancient Code of the Knights Radiant from the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson, “Journey Before Destination”. And as one of my favourite characters, Dalinar Kholin, said in Oathbringer:
“A journey will have pain and failure. It is not only the steps forward that we must accept. It is the stumbles. The trials. The knowledge that we will fail. That we will hurt those around us. But if we stop, if we accept the person we are when we fall, the journey ends. That failure becomes our destination. To love the journey is to accept no such end. I have found, through painful experience, that the most important step is always the next one”
Brandon Sanderson – Oathbringer
It’s unfortunate that I have been down myself in the past due to my unrealistic expectations or negative thoughts of who I am supposed to be rather than who I am. Reflecting on these few instances now, I feel I wasted so much time and energy because I really like who I am and what I do. My life is full of happiness, meaning, and opportunity and I am proud to end each day knowing that I made a difference. So, for the next time I worry when I hear the voice that I am not enough, I will simply take a breather and read this article to remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be.
